Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Why I Hate The Common Cold

Do I really need a reason? We all hate getting sick. You feel like you're slowly rotting to death like an ugly piece of fruit.
The cold is the absolute worst. You sound like you're drowning, you can't hear, smell, or taste anything and there is absolutely nothing that will make the misery go away. But having been sick recently, I realized there are a couple of reasons why having a cold sucks- according to me.


1. Medicine sucks.
Who made up the dumb rule that after the age of 12 they would make all medicine taste disgusting. To be honest, I've always hated every single type of flavored cough syrup out there. I despise it! When the bottle says strawberry, I expect it to taste something like the fruit (obviously). But no, it's a sick, twisted version of it. As I grew older the liquid medicine flavors  only got worse. From bubblegum and grape to death and downright vile. 

2. Sneezing
Ugh. I'm one of those people with really weird, loud sneezes. My sneezes have been described as cartoon-like, animal-like and just plain crazy. In many instances, I have sneezed so hard that I have actually fell. Some people think I'm trying to show off and ask why I don't try to stifle them. 


Like seriously dude? *achooo* 
'Ohh yeah. I'm so cool man. Listen to my freaky little sneeze.' 
Idiots. -_-
And as to the many reasons why I don't stifle my sneezes:
  1. Urban Legend One- Stifling your sneezes may risk brain aneurysms. 
  2. Urban Legend Two- Stifling your sneezes may risk popping your eyeballs.
  3. "Stopping a sneeze in mid-sneeze is dangerous because the energy of the sneeze and fluids associated with the sneeze are attempting to make a rapid exit out of the nostrils. In fact, droplets may travel at a rate of 100 mph (160.92 kph). Quickly closing the nose in an attempt to stifle a sneeze means the fluid can back up into the sinuses and into the ears, particularly the Eustachian tubes, the soft tubes that connect the middle ear to the back of the mouth. This can at minimum increase risk for sinus or ear infections." 

Don't mind the detailed description.
Okay, it's clearly stated that they are urban legends so don't get ahead of yourselves. I'm just saying, with a sneeze as powerful as mine, I don't want to take any risks. [source]

3. Sore Throat
As if the common cold isn't worse enough, it's accompanied by a sore throat. You don't feel like eating or drinking anything and you can't help but clear your throat every five seconds. The sharp shooting pain you experience every time you cough is terrible. 

4. Runny Nose
I'm not going to detail with this. (If you had to ask why, I question your existence). My nose is a red as Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer's. (don't know why I capitalized. And I'm clearly exaggerating) The number of tissues I have gone through in my life for a runny nose would probably be enough to fund a crazed artist's latest 'masterpiece'.
*ahem*: actually pretty cool. But still...

5. Germaphobes
Everyone's afraid of the sick kid who's always sniffling or coughing or sneezing or some combination of the three. You have to cough away from people, and sometimes you just get bored coughing into your elbow or towards the floor. Also, I don't know about you, but my hands get so dry they're about to fall off.

6. It impairs your singing.
Okay. I already suck at singing. Let's not make it worse. I didn't think it was humanly possible to sound worse then I already do when I'm singing. But no, wait for it. It's Christmas, one of your favorite jingles is coming on. Ah, let's sing!

"Rockin' around the Christmas tree 

at the Christmas party hop. 
Mistletoe hung where you can see. 
Ev'ry couple tries to stop."

*pause* I think I hear something dying. It sounds like a beached whale. OH! Wait, it's only me. -_- Face-palm. 

7. Appearance
Let's face it. We look like shit. If you want to rub make-up on your face when you're sick, go ahead. But I don't really see the freaking point. You start rubbing your forehead because of the headache or something and oh, look at that! Your fake eyebrow is escaping! There's always that one person that asks if you're on drugs. Dude, go away or I'm going to sneeze on you. T_T
If you somehow do manage to look amazing whilst you are 'sick', I refuse to believe you are indeed 'sick'.

8. The Smell
I don't know if I'm the only one this happens to. But when I'm sick, I start smelling this really weird odor. (NO, it's not me) I can't really describe the odor but it's somewhat like tomato soup or sambhar (Google it you nincompoop).

9. Snoughs
Not actually a real word. I came up with it in middle school. I used to do this weird combination of sneezing and coughing at the same time. I don't know why weird shit like this happens to me, okay. 
So I got annoyed at people saying, 'Bless you. By the way, was that a sneeze or a cough?' So I'd say, 'Neither. It was a snough.' I haven't snoughed in a while and I really hope they don't start up again. 

-V  

P.S.- I have sneezed precisely 22 times while typing this post. Yes, I actually counted.
While looking up the urban legends of stifling a sneeze, I found 'How to Use a Tissue' on wikihow. I kid you not, the last step is, "Put the tissue to your nose and blow". 

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