Saturday, May 23, 2015

Rereading My Blogposts

Okay. Hi.

I've been putting this off since forever because it's so embarrassing. Phew. Okay. Let's do this.
I usually check my page views every once in a while. Though I won't be able to tell who's reading, I can tell what's being read (if you didn't know).
Sometimes I read through what you guys are reading and  let me be honest, it's cringe-worthy.
This blog is a weird fusion of personal journal, random explanations and ranting.
It's bound to be crazy. And it is!
So this is a little reminder to myself and to whoever is reading that most of my old posts are actually incredibly stupid. I used to be a very troubled girl who had no idea what she was doing with her life.
Whatever I have written was basically brain vomit.
There might be some good stuff but majority is crap.

I always stop myself from deleting it all because though I was stupid, I was fortunate enough (and still am) to have an amazing family. They have quite literally pulled me out of the quicksand and cleaned me up. I do believe I have improved over the last couple of years and hope to become even better.

I have never been one to maintain a good journal or diary because I never remember to and mostly blank out over what to write about.
But this blog here is somehow still existing. It's like my brain is making an unconscious attempt at keeping track of my life and what I've went through to be who I am today.

NOTE: This is mostly to myself for when I reread this post:
Stop feeling so bad about yourself. The past is in the past. Leave it be. Be glad that you're able to see the big picture now. It would have been worse if you kept going on like you were back then and realized a little too late. The fact that you are cringing at teen you is actually pretty good. :P It means you indeed have changed. :)

And to my viewers, I always hope to help people through this blog and connect with you all. I hope you find purpose in your life and feel at ease knowing that there are others still finding themselves.

Have a great day!


P.S. You guys never comment and I feel like I'm talking to ghosts.
Who's from U.S.A and Europe? I get a LOT of viewers from over there. 

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Old Age Home

I went to an old age home a couple of days ago, for the first time in my life. It's just a couple of streets down from my house.
There was an old cocker spaniel in the vicinity of the home, kept chained up. It started barking when we arrived and it looked so weak.
When we walked inside the first thing that hit me was the smell. It was a foul. I felt extremely uncomfortable and upon seeing an elderly woman lying on a table towards the end of the room- with wires hooked up to her, I just couldn't bear to stand there.
I headed back outside to get my bearings. I told myself that what I was worried about didn't really matter. So I went back in.

There were six people in all: four downstairs and two upstairs. The woman sitting closest to the door looked very ill and her nightie was a mess. She told my Mom that she'd like some juice when asked if she needed anything. Her mannerisms were so innocent and child-like as she signaled 'juice' by putting her thumb to her mouth. She mentioned some type of fruit juice but it has slipped my mind.
When Mom and Grandma moved on to speak with the other elderly folk, the juice lady called me towards her. Her speech was slightly fuddled and her hearing a little impaired. I noticed that the staff had to raise their voices to speak to her so I did the same.
She asked me if Mom was my mother or sister and then where I was from. I told her we lived nearby. Then she asked if I had any siblings and I told her I had a little sister. For a couple of seconds she didn't say anything. I smiled and just stood there
She suddenly took my hand. I thought she would hold it but instead she kissed the back of my hand.
This small gesture drove me to tears. I tried my best to hold them in.
I felt so sad to see them like that and prayed to God that I would study well and get a good job so I could take care of more people like her.
Another woman told us that even though she had a daughter and son in-law (or was it the other way around) it didn't make much of a difference because they never visited.
I had an image in my mind of her as a young woman raising her child. How would she have felt to know that child would grow up and leave her in an old age home?

My problem with people who put their parents in homes like this is that they don't even bother to visit.

I try not to think the worst of people. So I tried to reason with what these people (who put these elderly in homes) might have been going through. Okay, maybe they don't have financial stability to take care of their needs. Maybe they have a housing problem or in-laws problem.
Okay, I can understand a situation in which you do not have the means to take care of them.

But what next?

You just leave them there?!

They are humans too. You can't just dump them there and go on with your life. It doesn't hurt you or your pocket to visit them. They are your parents after all,  not strangers!

Anyway, there was also a blind old man who looked frail. He barely had any skin on his bones. When asked what he wanted from us, he replied that they would accept anything that we gave. (:

All in all, I'm glad I finally visited an old age home. We will be headed back next month with food and clothes. (From the Charitable trust I work for)

Sunday, May 3, 2015


On the run from the monsters in my head.
There's a shaking in my bones.
Everything's breaking free.
Fingernails on a chalkboard.
They're too loud.
My eyes roll back into my head.
I'll do anything to feel.
Stop the voices inside my head.
Stop the itch under my skin.
I want to feel something to real.

Brought to you by: "Itch" by Nothing But Thieves
A writing exercise for

Locked Away

Skeleton fingers running across a piano.
We all look nice in a grave.
Tucked away, six feet under.
Locked away, inside our rib-cages.
Your hand's in a fist,
my mind's a wreck.
The darkness never scared me.
But the darkness in you does. 
We've always been locked away.
But you threw out the key. 

Brought to you by: "Werewolf Heart" by Dead Man's Bones
A writing exercise for

Let Go

My insides are dancing. Begging to be let go of.
Save me, why don't you save me?
We're all so tired.
I'm the only one that's left.
My mind's a swirl of colors.
Darling, aren't you hurting?
How can you bear to see me like this?
We'll paint the black canvas with our minds.
But, why can't you save me?
Let me go. Let me go.
We're running in circles.
Drowning in myself.
Why don't you save me?

Brought to you by: "State of Affairs" by Kan Wakan
A writing exercise for

Last Year as a Teenager

Hello There!

It's been a while, hasn't it?!
How are you all?
Do you know what today is?
It's my birthday!
My sister wished me when the clock struck 12 and I dozed off a couple of seconds after. Bright and early in the morning, my Mother wished me and then Grandma handed me my first gift while I was still half asleep. (Hehe)
Then I got up and got dressed to go to Panjagutta.
Ooh. Forgot to tell you. I'm working for a Charitable Trust now. It's amazing! I finally have the chance to give back to the world and it's very fulfilling. Since it was my birthday, we funded a small food donation outside of a government hospital in the city. We must have fed over a hundred people. I'm really happy that I got to spend money on something meaningful this time. Our trust's dress code is white, so I wore this new patiala/kurta combo.
After the donation, we headed back to Aunt's house to have our second meeting for PCT. (___Charitable Trust)  We discussed today's agenda about assisting two little girls' educations and providing groceries for a woman's marriage.
I love that they are all so careful about spending the money in the right way and I'm thrilled to be a part of something so special.
Then I changed into my birthday dress and cut the cake.
I can't believe I'm 19 years old already.
This is truly bizarre. I have one year left as a teenager and then the terrifying twenties.
I feel blessed to have such an amazing family and have so many people looking out for me.

Watching people donate for the charity, gift each other on occasions and just do small acts of kindness with money they earned makes me eager to have my own job someday and give back to everyone.
I'm waiting for the day when I can place some hard earned bills into the cash box for charities like this.

I miss blogging. My spirit lifted while I was typing and this and I didn't think it was possible to be any happier. :)

I hope my last year as a teenager will be memorable.
To new beginnings and sweet endings.