Saturday, August 13, 2016

These Words

I've never felt that these words were mine.
People plague my mind.
Past, present, future. They all keep me up at night.
Two sides of this figurative coin-
I need balance.
Yearning for meaningful conversations is trapped in my chest.
There are some things better left unsaid.
This conversation will never happen.

The night does things to my mind that daylight never could.
Sometimes you won't be able to see into the crevices of your mind.
The night brings awake the words in my head and gives me the courage to put them on paper.

The shadowed dancer in a dark room. The conflicted woman typing away on her phone in the dark.
One and the same.

The words are muddled as always. But revisions always bleed the thoughts out of their rawness. So I'll leave it be.

Now the words don't seem like anyone's.

Friday, July 29, 2016

On My Mind

Tuck that strand behind my ear. Oh no, pull it back out. Cover the cheekbones. Turn this way, the left is your good side. Smile. Oh! But not with your teeth. Never with the teeth.

"Why do you smile? It's not like you have a nice smile. You have a bad smile. you should stop."

Sit straight. Don't slump. Oh, keep your backbone straight. Tuck that fly away hair. Don't crinkle your eyes, it's strange. Oh no, you laughed too hard. Sit perfectly still and cringe. Glance at your phone. That was so funny! Oh no, you're laughing with your teeth. Close your mouth! 
Sit straighter, this dress pulls tightly at the tummy!

"Oh. You got fat again. You should lose weight."
Oh nobody cares. Just be yourself. But not too much! That was really funny. You made eye contact and smiled. That was so weird. They probably don't even know you heard them. Turn around!
Oh the teacher wants you to read something out for the class. Oh no. Try to dilute the accent. Don't be too loud. Speak slowly! Ok you're done. Sit down quickly and put your head down.

"American girl. You have such a weird accent. What are you even saying? How long did you live there again?"

There's so much to do. So much to learn. These people are all so talented. They're amazing. What does that mean? What would an interview be like? Oh! Write that down. You should look it up later. What will you do with your life? Oh dear.

"Oh, you are so lucky! Your future is clear. You have it so easy."

STOP. I got a little sidetracked towards the end there so I'll stop here. I want to talk to you guys about a couple of things.

1. You don't know everything there is to know about everyone. We see what we see. Before you pass judgement, try to think about it for a couple more seconds. I don't care if that if the person got fatter or slimmer. I don't care if the bauble on their flats doesn't go with their outfit. I don't care if they wore bright colors. I don't care if they wore a eskimo suit when it's sweltering.
YOU DON'T KNOW. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN THEIR LIVES. Why do we notice so many irrelevant details? What does it matter if they wore yellow jeans? They can wear the frickin' rainbow if they want to.

2. Also, words are powerful tools. Don't use your words to hurt people. You can either do good or bad in this life. Choose your way. I promise you, making that person smile will make you feel so much better than knowing you're the reason their smile disappeared.

3. The grass is always greener on the other side isn't it?
When you see someone and think, 'Damn! Their life is perfect', I can tell you that 99% of the time, it isn't so. Everyone has a different puzzle. To someone outside the game, it looks so easy but you're not the player! Stop being so caught up in other people's lives and solve your own puzzle.
That girl has porcelain skin and that guy has the best scores. That girl can solve almost any problem and he has a rich vocabulary.
There's probably someone out there thinking about you like this.


The house of mirrors.
You don't have to go to the circus to see the house of mirrors.
The faces in this place seem to change without any fault of the mirrors.

I bring my face close and take a deep breath. These eyes always look different.
Sometimes it's nice to look into them. Other times, I'd rather look away.
But in this house of mirrors, there's no escaping from yourself.

Even as I sit here, I cannot escape my reflection. What do I see?
I see a tired girl with watery eyes and enough on her mind to write deep into the night. Music fuels her fingers. Thoughts jump onto the screen.
She's sneaking glances as if to make sure that she's still there.

These mirrors always say something new.

Oh, how foolish was I?
These mirrors haven't done anything at all. They've always been there. The mind is playing tricks on us.
On reflection, I see that this reflection is simply a reflection of my mind.

If I broke all the mirrors, would my mind be at rest?


Monday, June 27, 2016

The Final Lap

Hello Everyone!

I was just about to go to sleep but decided at the last moment to blog a little, first.
So tomorrow's a big day. It's the first day of my senior year in college. Exactly one year from now, I'll be done with my undergrad course.

It's crazy how fast I'm growing up. I desperately want to hit the pause button but also want to see what life has in store for me.
It's exciting and terrifying.

I went for my passport re-issue appointment today. It was the first time I'd been by myself to do something that important. I think I handled it pretty well. :)

Then on the way back home, my Mom took me to my old high school to ask about some certificates. It has been almost 2 years since I've been in that area. The school feels like a new place to me. I met lots of my old teachers and juniors.

These little tiny kids that used to run after me calling me didi/sister/akka, are now taller than me. It was very surprising so these boys (and some girls) towering towering over me.

Some girls were walking past, saying, 'Hey! That's the old blue house captain'. It felt really great that these kids remembered me.

I just realized that I was at my high school today and tomorrow I'll be starting my final year of B.Tech.
Life is crazy.

Well, tomorrow's going to be a long day, since I have a lab bright and early. So I'll catch some shut eye now.

Hope you are all doing well.
Good night!


Friday, June 24, 2016

Agent Carter: Best of Season 1&2

This was originally going to be a gif set of some of my favorite Agent Carter moments from seasons 1 and 2. But as luck would have it, I've just found out that the show was cancelled in May.
This is shocking. I have seen worse shows renewed but I really didn't expect this would be cancelled.
So this just an ode to Agent Carter. It's in no specific order.

Dottie was wonderful!

Anna's reaction to this was perfect.  

Haha. Loved this part.

 That fedora!

Howard Stark is one of my faves.




Wish they'd shown more of her past.


Don't we all?




Hayley Atwell hinted at a possible comeback, someday. But I don't have high hopes at this point. Hope they renew this show some today. It's one of my favorites right now. I mean, I watched some episodes of Season 2 with my Grandmother and even she loved it.

MARVEL Binge: Part 2


Here's the MARVEL Binge Part Two. Since my first post, I've finished both seasons of Agent Carter, an Agent Carter one shot and Iron Man (2008).

So, there has been a change of plans. I was originally going to follow the CNET MCU Viewing Guide. But I realized they didn't include all the releases because it's a pretty old list. So I'm following a new one. It's the latest I could find.


Agent Carter (Season 1 and 2)

 This is my second go at Season 1. The first time around, I watched around 7 of the 8 episodes.
Season 1 of Agent Carter was amazing. It had the perfect amount of drama and action. I love Peggy Carter, she is a great role model. Even for the 21st century, she's badass. Jarvis is one of my favorites!
Marvel One-Shot: Agent Carter- I didn't know this existed until I found my new viewing guide on comicvine. So this is placed a little differently than the suggested order. ( Though, you can do without ever watching this because it's not canon. It deviates from the show's storyline.)

Season 2 wasn't as great as I thought it would be. I was having a fit seeing Carter struggle with deciding between Dr. Wilkes and Agent Sousa.
Luckily, my OTP is canon now! I was so happy.

It was nice to see Michael Chad Murray back on T.V. He was great in One Tree Hill back in the day. Even though he really got on my nerves, I feel bad for him. He redeemed himself towards the end of season 2 but the finale didn't look so good for him.

Iron Man (2008)

Again, it's been way too long since I've watched the entire movie. I noticed so many things I missed the first time around. Seeing Agent Coulson is always great. I love Pepper Potts.
Tony Stark is as lovable as always. That dry sense of humor always gets me.
It was nice to go from watching Agent Carter to Iron Man. I like that I've got to know Howard Stark before Tony now.

I'm devastated that Jarvis' voice isn't the same one as the one in Agent Carter. But it was to be expected.
The movie was as great as I remember.

The list:
1. Agent Carter Season 1
2. Marvel One-Shot: Agent Carter 
3. Agent Carter Season 2
4. Iron Man (2008)

Psyched to continue this MCU binge!

Sunday, June 12, 2016

The MARVEL Viewing Guide: Part 1


It's been awfully long. I hope you are all doing well. I haven't been up to much in my life. Just finished my Junior year of college last month. I'm really nervous about starting my senior year.
Well, let's not go on about this. I'll get down to  business.

MARVEL. This cinematic universe is taking off. So many people are a part of this fandom now. It's really great to see so many new movies and TV shows coming out.
A while back, I came across this 'MARVEL Viewing Guide'. It details the preferred order in which the movies and TV shows should be watched.
I've been putting off seeing so many of the releases because I'm a bit of control freak when it comes to things like this. I absolutely must watch it in the order it's meant to be watched!

Without further ado!
Today, I set up about conquering this guide from the very beginning. So here I am, several hours later.

1. Captain America: The First Avenger

Oh, I remember the very first time I watched this in 2011. It was a CAM video and it was absolutely horrible quality. But I really wanted to watch this movie. I loved it!
Five years later, here I am. Still loved the movie, laughed at all the same jokes, appreciated all the easter eggs and noticed so many details I missed the first time.
Cap' was great. Agent Carter! ;)

One of my favorite scenes. (Limiting myself to only one because, otherwise, I would flood this post with pictures): 
Okay, I can't help myself! Here's another one.

2. Agent Carter

I actually started watching this show soon after it started in 2015. I didn't know it existed for the first couple of months it aired. It somehow passed under my radar. One day, I caught sight of Carter sporting her signature red fedora and aiming a gun at someone, looking badass (Yes, the poster you see to the left is the one I'm talking of).
I rushed to watch the trailer and I was intrigued. I watched a couple of episodes but then life took a hold of me and I forgot about it.
Today, I started Agent Carter again. I've just watched Season 1 Episode 1 and it was great. I still remember most of the story-line. It's nice to have an immediate continuation from
The First Avenger so the story is still fresh in my mind.

One of my favorite scenes. (Must. post. only. one.)

So that's all for today. It is indeed a school  college night.

I really don't like the title of this post. It's way too long. I'll probably be naming all future posts
related to this as something much simpler and shorter.
Perhaps, MARVEL Binge: Part n

If any of you are interested in the Viewing Guide, here it is (click to enlarge):

Surprise! A little something else.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Futile Compliments

Compliments are great. I love complimenting people and receiving them as well. I love watching the smile I get to bring to their faces. But sometimes, people have very.. different intentions.
I'm not exactly talking about flirting.

A while back, this one boy kept trying to become friends with me. He would always text me and drop a couple of compliments here and there.
I usually have a terrible time remembering things but something he said has still stuck with me.
He said, 'If I would have spoken to someone in this manner, they would have been flattered long back'.

I've told this boy multiple times that I wasn't interested. But he has trouble understanding that. I'm not sure why.

It amazes me that even after watching so many things go wrong in the world, people my age have trouble understanding the meaning of no.
It doesn't matter if you're asking a girl out or asking for her number.
You know what?
It doesn't matter WHO it is. Boy or girl.
When someone tells you no, they mean no!

I'm not playing hard to get. I'm not playing games. No always means one thing. NO!

Also another thing.
If you want to be someone's friend, just let it happen. Talk to them about things you have in common. Approach them if they seem like they want to be approached.

When someone is pushing you away, don't assault them. With words or actions.

Flattery will get you absolutely nowhere with me if you don't have good intentions.

You can try to appeal to my vanity but the results will be different from what you expect.

Sunday, April 17, 2016


My thoughts and feelings bared to you.
Vulnerable, for you to poke around in my unfiltered words. Dissect them if you wish. Cut through the paper and try to read in between the lines. You think you've made sense of it all. You think you've caught me at my weakest.

No no no, my dear. You have caught me at my strongest. My words are my weapons. My words are my armor.  You haven't found a secret buried deep. It's always been here, out in the open.
You have a weapon of your own. Always showing off your three-edged sword.
I don't think you understand how to use your weapon of choice. I'd explain it all to you but Straczynski puts it simply.
"Understanding is a three edged sword: your side, their side and the truth."

My words could be interpreted in a thousand ways. Your understanding hints at only one. The truth is always here for whoever wants it.

You must be curious about my so-called weapons? What could possibly be better than yours?
Have a little imagination!
Could it be Excalibur?    Now you're wondering how on Earth I managed to pull the sword from its stone.
Could it be Ivlivs?  Now you're wondering why Jason would entrust me with his sword.
Could it be Riptide?    Now you're wondering if Percy lost Anaklusmos. But is that even possible?
Could it be Needle?     Now you're wondering if Arya left it for me.

Or maybe you don't now Arthur, Merlin, Jason, Percy, Hercules or Arya. You might not know about my countless other friends.

You can't steal someone's imagination. That's insane. You merely use theirs to fuel yours.

There's nothing weak about vulnerability anyway. It's pure, raw power.
"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they are never weakness"                                                                                          -Brené Brown

"There is strength in vulnerability and exposing your scars to the world."

Fare Thee Well.

*Muddled thoughts. Midnight rambling*

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Red Balloon

I'm the poet who's begging you to not read in between the lines.
A silent prayer stitched into the paper.
These words are like a shallow pool.
There is nothing more than meets the eye.
I'm just the girl with a red balloon,
tied around my finger and a pocket full of thumbtacks.
The color doesn't represent my emotions.
If I let it go, I won't have it anymore.
If I pop it, I'll have a reminder of it.
My dilemma isn't symbolism of an inner conflict.

There lives in my head,
a world where a red balloon is just that.
A world where the words inside my head
aren't afraid to make it onto paper.
Where my voice doesn't waver when someone
asks what I plan on doing with that balloon.
Some whispers are louder than screams.

The thread around my finger
tied a little too tight.
My grip on this balloon
a little too much.

There are poets out there,
with beautiful minds, beautiful souls.
But here I am.
I'm just a girl with a red balloon.


Monday, February 1, 2016

It's a School Night!

It's 12:15 A.M. and I just finished watching the first episode of "Red Band Society".
If you're asking what that is. Just stop yourself right there. GO WATCH THE TRAILER.

So, how was it?
2014???? WHAAAAAT.
Hm. At least I don't have to wait for episodes to come out.

This show is going to ruin my life. I know it. I'm sure of it.
While I was about half way through... okay fine, 10 minutes into the episode, I started downloading the torrents for the next couple of episodes. (Because I must)
Usually, episode downloads take a couple of minutes to finish. But my FUP limit is up and it's painstakingly slow.
So I decided to blog about this show that will soon destroy my life and my sleep.

I'm also yelling at myself internally that IT'S A SCHOOL COLLEGE NIGHT! I have a lab that I'm dreading tomorrow and I haven't even begun on the observation for it.
I'll definitely be vomiting rainbows and beaming sunshine tomorrow, so be sure to not get on my bad side. 

What the heck. 22% is finished and it'll take another 1 hour to finish???!?

Good night. 
Peace out.

P.S. --- Ooh. Also, it's February.
Also, why is everyone freaking out about Valentine's Day? It seems so far away to me.

 Update:  2/2/16
*****I found out last night that this show has been cancelled. So that sucks.****** 

Friday, January 29, 2016


What the heck is happening?

My blog traffic has skyrocketed the past month. Where did all you people come from? I got over 500 views just this month.

Graph of most popular countries among blog viewers
                                                               This is just today's!!!

Did I participate in some 'share your blog' thing that I have no recollection of?

End of spaz. 

Monday, January 11, 2016

A Small Victory

It's 2:20 A.M.
After a very, very long time, I feel happy with myself.

The music soothing my ears does a fine job of soothing my mind. "It's been a long day" plays as soon as I make this small victory.
Hell, it's been a really long day, Charlie Puth.

Today has been just another day of spiraling  in the sinking realization that I have no idea what I'm doing with my life and my skill-set is non-existent.
I was dragging myself around, trying to stay positive. But today, as I was looking for potential internship chances on Google, I felt dejected. I possess not one skill that they're asking for. The only thing I have is communication skills but that isn't going to get me far. I NEED to be smart.
Then, I tried to look for apprenticeships and that was another pothole.
I felt like a lost cause.
I mechanically came home, moved around and took to music to ease my mind. Tears running down my face, my mind running a thousand directions. I had no idea what to do.

My brother sent me some tutorials to learn Android Studio last month. I couldn't understand much of it. Then I tried another 20 videos on YouTube. Nothing made sense to me.
Side Note: My Dad is one of the most hard-working people I know. He's always teaching himself something. He has this drive to be the best he can be.
All of the people around me have this drive or this ability to push themselves.
I've always been a coward. I don't push myself. I limit myself and wallow in my self-created chaos.

Today, I put my foot down. (Weakly, but put down nonetheless)
I searched "Android Studio Tutorials" in Google for the nth time and dispiritedly looked for a miracle.
After around 8 videos, I finally found something that I could understand.

Well, I've just created my first android application. It's a simple one, so don't get too excited. It has only function. But it DOES SOMETHING!

Before I started today, I told myself. 'You need to finish what you started! ' It's 2:36 and I think I've done pretty well.

Good Night!

P.S.- If you're thinking something along the lines of 'Omg, at least you created that. I don't even know how to do that', then please don't.
There's this saying that I'm always throwing around in my head.
"Nobody wants to hear about the story of rags to riches, until its over".
Similarly, let me finish this thing I've just started before you bombard me.

Apart from that, if you guys ever need any help, just ask me. I'll always be willing to help to the best of my ability.

Charlie Pluth

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

A Letter

I opened my blog, set on writing something today. I feel gloomy and quite literally searched the 'melancholy' tag on 8tracks. At the moment I'm listening to a mix called 'The Devil's Waltz'. At a loss for words, I opened my Gmail and started deleting spam when I nearly deleted one surprising e-mail.

In 2014, I found this website called which lets you send your future self a letter. I wrote myself a letter on November 28th, 2014.
Here are some snippets.

Dear FutureMe,

I've put the delivery date so far into the future that you'll forget about this by then.
Tomorrow I have my C.O. and MFCS exam for the second mid, of sophomore year, 1st semester. I know you know what I'm going to say next. That I haven't studied anything and it all sucks. So yeah, all of that. So how are you?
You'll be a junior by now, right? Wow, that seems awesome. I wish I could time travel to that point right now. Then I would have one less year to worry about. Anyways, just two more years for you now! AWESOME!
So I wanted to tell you something very important.
It's all going to be okay. You have the most wonderful family and are surrounded by safe(ish) people. You should have faith in yourself, okay? I got selected as the Head of Content Writing for TCC last month, which was awesome. :)
I hope you've done something good with that opportunity.

Stop treating yourself so badly. Love yourself first before looking to others.
So be happy, stay safe, study well and don't give up on yourself!
-18 year old me

Damn. I'll be 20 in a couple of months and I'll be graduating college in a year. I'm equal parts terrified and excited to see what life has in store for me. 
I'll probably send myself another letter but I'll shoot it a little farther into the future. If you're still reading this then, it'll be fun.  :)

P.S. Do check out the website and read some of the public letters. They're all anonymous but I just read some wonderful letters that are very heartening.