Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Where Are My Words?

Words word words.
Words on paper. Words in my mind.
Tears in my eyes, salt on my cheeks. Same thing?
Fear of the future. Fear of impending doom.
Fear of never being good enough to do any good.

Everyone Most people think I can write well. But the backspace on my keyboard knows better. Every syllable spit out gets chewed back up and tossed in the bin.
I thought I had a lot to say. I was sure that Harry Styles' new song would definitely be enough to get the creative juices flowing. You don't need to cringe and roll your eyes at that name. He's just someone that used to be in a boy band. [It's not like you would scoff at Justin Timberlake, right? He was in a boy band too. Anyway, that's beside the point. Let me get back on track. But before I do. This song is incredible. I didn't even know it was his song until a couple of minutes ago.]

It's been so long that I let myself write that I've forgotten how to. What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? The words are slipping between my fingers. This is terrifying. The words are all I have. They were my advantage. They were my assurance that I could do something moderately well in this world. What now? All I'm left with are questions and fears.

Do you know that saying? Jack of all trades, master of none. That kind of makes me sad because I'm neither of those things. Everything I've ever started my life, I haven't completed. Everything I've done sounds like a story that I've made up. My life is an  infinite 'I used to'.
I used to play the piano. I used to play volleyball. I used to play the bells. I used to play the flute. I used to play tennis. I used to play lacrosse. I used to sew. I used to dance. I used to write.

Once upon a time, I did try. I looked forward to school. I loved learning. In middle school, I would do my homework as soon as I came home and go for a bicycle ride afterwards and then TV/ internet, before bed. I strictly enforced 'first work, then play'. Now all I do is play. I can't even do that right because I'll be thinking about the absence of work preceding and succeeding the play.
All hours of every day, I'm a silent sulking mess who's disappointed in myself for not doing anything but too lazy to do anything about it.

How do people pick one moment to be absolutely inspired and change their entire life? These inspiring tales and To-do lists are so short-lived.
1. Clean your room.
2. Exercise
3. Eat healthier
4. Study for that exam
5. Learn something new
6. Write hundreds of lists about doing things but never do any of them and hate yourself. Resolve to change TODAY, RIGHT NOW, There's no looking back. You can do this.

1. Do something. Please.

What's the permanent solution to not take life for granted and stop being useless?