Summer Rain

Today, after a couple of months, I went for a walk on the terrace. I spent about 40 minutes up there. For the last ten minutes, it was raining. Each raindrop felt like a person prodding me up and pushing me forward. Each drop felt like the moment you burn yourself but the pain hasn't gotten to you yet. A million flame-like prods that almost feel like fire.

A long time ago, I would have felt the urge to cry there, standing underneath these rain clouds. Right now, I'm a million miles away from that girl. I DO feel like I've been knocked down and I DO want to cry. But I won't.
I know that I'll get back up and I'll fight harder for myself. These little downer moments are scattered across my life like the raindrops on my skin. It seems like they're engulfing me. But only a few seconds back home and I realize they've already evaporated. Disappeared with no trace. I'm dry and safe.

Do you know where I'm sitting right now?
Well, the time is 10:56. Not exactly midnight rambling schedule of the past since we all become adults at some point. But I think an hour off is alright.

I'm sitting on a piece of sofa that is stranded on one end of the living room. It's put up against the windows by the main entrance. From where I'm sitting, on the left I can see the edges of the pooja mandir. The light casts shadows across the floor and on the walls. To my right, I see my water bottle, filled enough to keep me going in this summer heat. The windows are curtain-bare and I assume somewhere out there, there's a person sleeping on their terrace.
In front of me, the floor-length curtains sway from the fan breeze. It makes the room seem large and gives off the vibe of an old thriller movie; if I focus my eyes on only the ceiling portion.

An hour ago, I had this urge in my chest. That all too familiar urge where I need to get something out. I feel like a tiny pebble is stuck inside and my throat is closing up. ( Takes a sip of water because I'm taking my words too literally).
When I feel like that, I put my headphones on and listen to music while strolling on the terrace. For a long time now, I haven't gone for a walk like that. It's because I haven't felt that sad and also because I swallow that pebble and move on. I had a little trouble moving on today.
It felt like a moment where I had to grab my laptop and sit on the kitchen counter to write about my woes. I've settled for the sofa (would this piece be called a settee?).

 It is very hot in here.

-- I turned the fan off because I thought I heard Mom getting up. I'd rather not her see me sitting in the dark and typing away on the keyboard. It's not that I'm doing anything wrong. I just don't think she would understand why I do this. --

So back to the rain. I stood there today, being bombarded by these tiny water-bullets and I somehow felt happy. The rain didn't make me want to cry. It made me want to get back up and work harder. It made me want to strengthen my resolve. I can do this. I WILL do this.

A Working Woman?!

Wooh. You read that right!
I started work in the last week of October (the 23rd, to be exact). I am officially a working woman. Well, kind of.
I'm  still in my training period. I'll be done with it by the end of December. Technically, I'll be actually be doing 'office work' from next year. But I'm not caught up in the technicalities because I got my first salary already!
YES! I got my first salary on November 29th. Also, yes. This IS my sneaky (not really) way of documenting these events because I will most definitely forget exactly when they happened.

My neck is hurting. It's probably because of the angle I sit in class all day and because I was riding the scootie (this thing wants me to correct it to 'scooter' but I prefer using scootie) for a long duration yesterday.

It's been almost 5 months since I've blogged so this is strange for me. I've forgotten how to pour myself onto paper. My thoughts are as scattered as always, but there's something strange about typing out what I'm thinking on here. But not all too strange.
It's familiar and comforting, yet, new and excitingly strange.
And, YES, I am listening to soothing music while I'm typing this. 'Naked' by James Arthur is playing.
Isn't it weird how there are some words that make you just a little uncomfortable? Like, 'naked'. Why does that feel so weird? 'Bare' doesn't have the same effect, though they're close synonyms. I wish some words and things weren't so sexualized that you feel strange using them because it feels inappropriate.

Do you know what bothers me? That the views on this blog were 40 last month. But that really shouldn't bother me because I both want this blog to be noticed and not noticed.
Much like how I want people to feel about me.
My overlapping narcissistic and introverted feelings have me wanting people to praise me, adore me and also just stay the heck away. But also fawn over me and tell me I'm pretty and talk to me about interesting things and invite me to hang out.


 Wow, this post has so many streams of thoughts. Wow, it took me a while to type the word 'streams' because I kept thinking about Java streams and was confused if this was the correct word to use here.

Also, since I'm in a new place, I have to introduce myself all over again. Which means that people are surprised by my accent and interested about it. WHICH I LOVE. I love all the attention. I feel vain because of this whole situation but I love people being curious about me. I've got to stay grounded and be who I am. I hope I don't let this all get the better of me. To be optimistic, I'm sure I'll be myself and be modest.

The best way I can explain it is:



Okay, that's all for now. I still do hope that people I know haven't found this blog on a stalking adventure. But at the same time, I'd be amused knowing someone was reading my ramblings and appreciated something. Why? (refer aboooove). 

I Graduated!

Hello!

How excited are you? I have to ask because I am very excited. The day I've been waiting for since I was in elementary school. To finally wear the graduation cap and gown and say the words, 'I did it!'.
Well, I was hoping to have been able to graduate high school like that, but not all schools in India have a ceremony like that. I stuck it out for another four years for this (not solely this, :P).
Given, the ceremony was so horrible but I expected nothing less from my college. If they hadn't disappointed us even at the last moment, where they really ever our college?
But it's no problem. I'm fine with it. Just the fact that I no longer have to go to college (for now. Dun dun dun) is enough.

I actually have to start adulting now. How bizarre is that? How am I supposed to that? I still feel like I'm 12. You know what else is funny?
I turned 21 this year. I am legally allowed to do all the things that I don't want to do anyway ( except vote, that's always the plus point).
Who am I kidding? Let's be real here. I have never voted. Yes, you read that right. I have never voted, even though I've been able to vote for a good 3 years now. To be honest, I know zilch about politics. I don't see who I could vote for anyway. If I did actually vote, it would be after listening to my family's opinions of the parties running. Even then, I don't see anyone that I would support a 100% (even 80-90%).

Okay. I'm deviating. I'll get back to the topic.

My phone broke down a couple days before graduation. How is that relevant? I have no selfies when I looked bomb and I don't have any pictures with my friends. All the pictures we got taken are on their phones or with the college photographer. It's been 6 days and I've only gotten 4 pictures so far. My phone still isn't working which is its pros and cons.

Pros:
-I've been using my phone a lot less. (har har har).
-I haven't been able to open social media every 5 minutes.
-I haven't been able to use my phone until it dies.
-I actually put in a little more effort while studying some


Cons:
-No graduation pictures.
-Not able to ask people for graduation pictures.
-If anyone has something important to tell me, they can only contact me on my Facebook and Instagram. But the actual downside is, most people won't even bother and just say "Oh, I couldn't contact you. Your phone isn't working"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been sick for the last few days. I'm not really able to focus enough on one topic so I'm ending this here. The gist is,
I graduated from college with a Bachelors in Information Technology and I'm freaking thrilled.
YAY.
Alright, bye!

-V

The Last Day

It's been pretty long since I've written anything on here. But I can't postpone writing this post because it's not every day you have your last day of college. YES. You read right. I had my very last day of engineering today. The day that I've been waiting for since I was a freshman.

Firsts and Lasts are pretty important moments in our lives. The first day of college, the first exam,  the first seminar, the first bunk (Totally kidding. Way too many to remember which one was the first) and the first job interview. And the last class, the last exam, the last time eating in the canteen, the last time running after professors,  and the last day of college.

I don't have anything too sentimental to say right now. Let's be honest. College wasn't amazing. Lots of things made me count down the days until I could leave the place. But that's not really important, is it? All that matters is how you choose to finish it. And let me tell you, we went out with a bang!
The day started off with the project Viva and it went as every viva has gone before. All of us waiting for the first groups to give us the report on the external examiner and classify him as either devil incarnate or 'phew liteee'. Getting the signatures on our custom-made t-shirts was, as expected, a never-ending process. My favorite moments where when someone would hand their t-shirt to someone to sign and they would ask their friends what on earth to write. That low-key panic was hilarious.
I wasn't 'flat out BFFs' with anyone but I'm glad it ended on good terms with everyone.

The memories we made today are the moments we'll remember decades from now. Thank you for being altogether tolerable classmates. I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to know some of you. But just because college is over doesn't mean we have to forget everyone. Keep in touch. Even if you feel like you didn't know me that well! I'd love to know what you all end up doing and how you are in the years to come. I hope we have a reunion someday and at least one of you is rich and famous. xD

Some day we'll be old and tired of things we can't even imagine yet. But we'll have our t-shirts to remember that we were cool once upon a time (Because let's be honest, I don't see any of you as cool oldies... Kidding!... We'll see.)

To those leaving for Masters: Well, looks like you can't really give up this education thing. I get it, you love exams. You get to graduate twice so, I guess that's a win. Good luck with your new journey! If you're part of the 'Shit, I have to leave home and live all by myself' squad, I wish you the very best! Stay safe and have fun.

To those who are going to work: Looks like we're in the same boat. We'll definitely be comparing our workplaces soon. The lecturers/ Viva examiners will be replaced by managers and bosses. The marks with literal-actual-money(!). At least we don't have to wear uniforms anymore.

To everyone else: If you're preparing for other entrance exams: Hope you do well! If you are so done with this IT field: I'm sure you'll be great at whatever it is that you want to do.  To those who aren't sure: Follow your dreams and do what you love! (Great advice, I know)


It seems like ages ago that we sat in class and were actually students. We've all grown up and are about to enter into the real world. I guess we'll all find out what being engineers really means. This ought to be interesting.


I hope I'll see you guys at our convocation ceremony!


P.S.- If I wrote basic shit like 'Have a Great Life' or just signed my name on your t-shirt, let me just say: You're all awesome and today was the absolute best! I'm happy we were all together for the last day of our senior year!

Also, this will be super awkward if there's some bizarre exam we all casually forgot about and end up going back to college.

Sorry for the mess of a post this is. I'm still in the 'what-the-heck-is-actually-happening-right-now' stage.

Where Are My Words?

Words word words.
Words on paper. Words in my mind.
Tears in my eyes, salt on my cheeks. Same thing?
Fear of the future. Fear of impending doom.
Fear of never being good enough to do any good.

Everyone Most people think I can write well. But the backspace on my keyboard knows better. Every syllable spit out gets chewed back up and tossed in the bin.
I thought I had a lot to say. I was sure that Harry Styles' new song would definitely be enough to get the creative juices flowing. You don't need to cringe and roll your eyes at that name. He's just someone that used to be in a boy band. [It's not like you would scoff at Justin Timberlake, right? He was in a boy band too. Anyway, that's beside the point. Let me get back on track. But before I do. This song is incredible. I didn't even know it was his song until a couple of minutes ago.]


It's been so long that I let myself write that I've forgotten how to. What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? The words are slipping between my fingers. This is terrifying. The words are all I have. They were my advantage. They were my assurance that I could do something moderately well in this world. What now? All I'm left with are questions and fears.


Do you know that saying? Jack of all trades, master of none. That kind of makes me sad because I'm neither of those things. Everything I've ever started my life, I haven't completed. Everything I've done sounds like a story that I've made up. My life is an  infinite 'I used to'.
I used to play the piano. I used to play volleyball. I used to play the bells. I used to play the flute. I used to play tennis. I used to play lacrosse. I used to sew. I used to dance. I used to write.

Once upon a time, I did try. I looked forward to school. I loved learning. In middle school, I would do my homework as soon as I came home and go for a bicycle ride afterwards and then TV/ internet, before bed. I strictly enforced 'first work, then play'. Now all I do is play. I can't even do that right because I'll be thinking about the absence of work preceding and succeeding the play.
All hours of every day, I'm a silent sulking mess who's disappointed in myself for not doing anything but too lazy to do anything about it.

How do people pick one moment to be absolutely inspired and change their entire life? These inspiring tales and To-do lists are so short-lived.
1. Clean your room.
2. Exercise
3. Eat healthier
4. Study for that exam
5. Learn something new
6. Write hundreds of lists about doing things but never do any of them and hate yourself. Resolve to change TODAY, RIGHT NOW, There's no looking back. You can do this.

..........
1. Do something. Please.





What's the permanent solution to not take life for granted and stop being useless?

Irrelevant

Have you ever noticed my URL?

'absolutely average teenager'.
I thought it was a good description of my self. I thought of it when I started this blog in 2013. I was a teenager and I thought I was an average human being.

Well, I'm not a teenager anymore. So that URL is pretty irrelevant. It's actually a year too false. Which I think is bizarre.
I turn 21 this year. WHAT?!

I always say this, "I'll finally be the age to legally be able to do all the things I don't want to do anyway."

*Except vote. I still like being able to vote. 

This is also the year I graduate from college. Wow. I'm finally here. After all these years, I'll finally be done with this level of education. I don't really feel that old. I still feel like a teenager. 

Since we're at it, I'll just give you some life updates. I'm taking driving lessons again (for real this time), I've finally started listening to audiobooks, I wrote a book review after a long time......I've painted my nails orange.

Clearly, I don't have any life updates. xD

I'm done. Bye.

-V

What Next?

I've been wanting write this post for a while now. But I just haven't got around to it. Until now.

I saw this Telugu movie a week back called 'Nenu Local'. There was this one song that starts playing after the MC announces that he's finally passed his bachelor's course and everyone starts asking 'What next?'. He's upset because, nowadays, instead of congratulating people on graduating, they start asking what they plan to do next.
I found this absolutely hilarious because I've faced a variation of this for the last year or so.

So it's common knowledge that I moved from the U.S.A an odd 6 years ago. I'm almost done with my Bachelors and am hoping to start working sometime at the end of this year. 
People have been shocked at this. 'Why would you not want to go back to America?'
'You don't want to do M.S. in U.S.?'  

I'd decided; with the help of my family, that going for further studies right now isn't the right thing for ME. I want to work for a while and get an understanding of the IT industry, get some hands-on experience, experience the work environment, learn new things, etc. 
When I explained this to people about 2 years ago, they'd still think it was strange that I wasn't leaving to the U.S. 
As we got into our final year of B.Tech, more people started understanding what I meant. They thought it made sense.
I'd say that after a year or so of working, maybe I'd go do my Masters then. People were very accepting of this plan. 

That's alright up to there.
But the thing is, do you really know what you'll be doing 3 years from now. Can you tell me for sure that is definitely where you're going to be and that is precisely what you'll be doing ? 
If not for some bizarre situation where every single thing in your life happens exactly the way you think it well, I'm pretty sure that you can't even imagine what will happen. 

Life is sometimes unpredictable. So don't be so be caught up in the future and rigidly fix yourself to things. 
I hope this is coming across the way I mean it.
I'm not saying goals are stupid. Ambitions and hopes are awesome! Always have a plan. But don't assume that the plan will always go through perfectly, without a hitch. 

I like to let life take me on my great adventure. I'm not going to sit here and say, I'll only work for 365 days and afterwards I'll be off to do this and that. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. And I'm perfectly fine with that. 
I'm willing to just be caught in the current and see what happens. 

So I say, I'll probably work for a while and then do my masters afterwards. 'Probably?'
Yes, probably. Who know what'll happen? Maybe I'll write a novel. Maybe I'll tour the world. Maybe I'll be a blogger. Hahahha. Maybe I don't know and I don't mind. 


Someone will probably ask me "What next?". I will smile and say the same thing I always say. I hope they understand that everything isn't in stone.
I mean, just imagine how funny it'd be if they turned up years later, saying. "I thought you said you'd work 365 days. But you worked for 370 days."
[Not literally so foolishly, but you get the gist.]