When I Grow Up...

Imagine a small child in elementary school, with a bag filled with notebooks, crayons and bits of paper. They've just been asked to write about something very interesting. Almost every child has been asked this question and almost everyone has asked it. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" 

Oh, the endless possibilities. I wanted to be a librarian, teacher, artist, author, illustrator, veterinarian, gymnast, dancer, singer, actress or maybe a pianist. The list would go on for miles if I continued so let's stop at that. 

But I didn't want to talk about the past, I'd rather talk about the present. As you get older, people stop asking you what you want be when you grow up but instead what you want be, period. Well, you're all grown up aren't you?

No. I'm not. I may have grown tall and look old enough to make my own decisions. My birth certificate may shout to the world that I'm a major but I still have a lot of growing up to do. I still haven't found something to cling onto and hope for the best. I don't have a perfectly planned out future and I don't have my eyes set on something. 

I'm waiting for the day that I can stand straight and claim to be a perfectly capable young woman who knows what she wants to do in this world.

 Until then..

When I grow up, I want to be strong, independent, mature, capable, responsible, fearless, understanding, intelligent, successful, happy, witty and free. I want to grow into a better version of me.

Sophomore: College

I'm no longer a freshman. Tomorrow begins my life as a sophomore in college. Things are going to be just as screwed up or just as nice. 

I saw a movie: Drushyam, today and it was alright-ish. Now I'm watching Kung Fu Panda on the tele and trying to continue reading "The Scorch Trials" by James Dashner. Tomorrow will bring forth an interesting turn of events, because I've finally been reshuffled to IT-F1 from F2. I no longer have to be associated with "the worst section" in college. Thank God!

I'm prepared in no way for what will happen tomorrow. I don't have a single notebook or even a portion of my outfit picked out. I'll just wing it. Who cares? Bleh.
I hate having to get dressed up all nice and put on a show for other people at college. I don't care about the people around me and much less what they think about me. I have no one to impress, just need to improve myself first. The thought of having to get up and pick out something to wear sounds so exhausting. I think I've become too accustomed to my uniform. I'd rather just wear that everyday than go through this torture. Damn it, if I could, i'd just wear PJs and a top knot, all day, every day.

"Long hair, don't care" Pshhh, more like, "Mulan style's the way to go".

Anyway, I need to get some shut eye to stay awake in class so I shall be going now.

For future reference about how I feel before my first day of sophomore year:

I don't even care, I just want it to end. I just want to get all this information in my head and not deal with all the bullshit and drama around me. So much to do, so little time. I'm not screwing it all up again. I'm going to work my butt off. I don't care if they call me a nerd, I don't care if they call me a bookworm. I'll just repeat the advice my seventh grade social teacher gave me. 

"The people you call nerd/geek will end up being your boss" (or something like that)

HERE WE GO!!

Tick tock, tick tock. Time's started running and I'm not too far behind. I'll catch up with the rest of them and they won't see me coming. ;)

I've got a lot to do, here I come! 

In a Nutshell

I was a wee bit hyper today so I rushed onto my balcony and yelled "who goes there?!" in this weird medieval accent with the curtails of my shirt held up like a cape. You know like those scenes in movies before the killer/monster/something, comes out.

So..
A little kid on a pink bicycle with streamers on the handlebars rode past at the exact moment whilst ringing her bell.

I think this describes my life.

Unusual Personality Test: Perception of Life

One of the basic rules of this test is to write what you feel and what first comes to mind. It’s fine if you have the same answersto different questions. Do not read all at once! Read the questions one by one and do not rush. It will not be so interesting to see the next question if you are still writing the answerto the previous one. Well, if a pen and a piece of paper are in front of you, then let’s begin!

 **** The following are the questions, followed by my responses. The interpretation  of each is after the answer.****


1. You are peering into the sea, what do you feel? Focus only on your first impression. You can close your eyes to better feel it...

 I stand on warm, grainy sand that squeeze between my toes. When I look up, I see the waves lapping up against the shore. The sea is a cool blue. The light reflects onto it making it look like glass. I feel at unease with the sand at my feet, it's mildly irritating. But the water's too nice to worry about the sand. I want to run into the water and feel it rushing at me.

INTERPRETATION: Your attitude to life, emotions, sensations.

2. You are walking through the woods and look at the ground. Write down what you feel.

 I pass by small bushes and the forest floor is covered in leaves and sticks. The sun doesn't shine too bright because the trees form a barrier. Small rays of sunlight shine on certain areas; like spotlights. It's cool and the earth is damp. Goosebumps run down my spine. There's a fog in the distance that spreads slowly. I feel like I should be ready for something. Like I'm missing out on something very important. Not knowing is making me agitated. 

INTERPRETATION: The way you feel in your own family.

3. What do you feel when looking at flying seagulls? It's all right if in this case you make up a quick response.

I'm sort of disinterested really. But it makes me wonder if there's a waterbed of some sort nearby. I'm curious as to why they're here in the first place. As always, I want to fly. I'm excited at the idea of being able to fly.

INTERPRETATION: Your attitude towards women.

4. What about a herd of horses? Write the first thing that comes to mind, avoid thinking for too much time.

I feel like I'm free. The wind is whipping against me and my hair is flying about. I feel wild and absolutely free.

INTERPRETATION: Your attitude to men.

5.   You are in the desert, standing by the wall with a small hole, behind which you see the oasis. What are your actions? Don’t write just your thoughts and feelings, but focus on what you would do in this situation.

Is the hole an entrance to the other side of the wall. Is it on the floor or in the wall? If it's in the floor I'm too scared to crawl down it and  shiver at the thought of what lies in wait. If it's in the wall, I question whether the oasis is simply a mirage. Is it worth my effort to go through? The thought of water makes my mouth dry and I crawl through, unsure and desperate.

INTERPRETATION: Your basic life strategy and goal. The way you solve your problems.

6.  You are still in the desert, completely exhausted, and suddenly see a water jug. Once again, your actions are what matters in this question. Your answer may sound banal, but still write it down.

It might be a makeshift chamber pot and I don't want to die drinking that now. I tip the jug a little, but not to far, to spill a few drops into my palm to check if it's safe to drink. I lick my lips as my throat burns for water. I sip a little bit and gulp down a few more before I pick up on the taste, convincing myself it's all I have for now.

INTERPRETATION: How selective you are in sexual life. Choice of a partner.

7. You are lost in the woods in the evening and see a house with lights on. Write what you’re gonna do.

 I'm scared and I'm shivering. It's cold, too cold. I clench my hands together. This story isn't going to end well. I see the house and hope that there isn't a murder lying in wait for my entrance. I know it's better to canvas the house to get an idea about the occupant(s). I stay low and in the dark, trying to find my way around without attracting attention or being seen. I've seen too many movies like this, I don't want to die today. I decide I'll stay in the shadows and wait it out. I'll take lost in the woods over dying in a stranger's house any day. If some animal tries to kill me out here, then I'll run in. I lean back against a tree, keeping my eyes fixated on the house. 

INTERPRETATION: Your readiness for marriage.

8.  You’re in the fog. Once more, focus on actions and write down how you would behave. 

I'm afraid, tears well up in my eyes and I try to control my breathing; a failed attempt. Fear wells up inside me and I have a gut-feeling that something bad is going to happen. I'm reminded of driving down Pochantos Hill with the fog just above the tree tops. My ears pop and I'm frozen. I can't see anything. I look for some support. A tree stump, something to sit upon, anything. I frantically splay my arms around hoping to touch something solid. But still in fear of it being someone else, someone who might not be safe. 

INTERPRETATION: Your attitude to death.

                                         ------------------

I don't know precisely why but some of this made me kind of sad. Some of it is so true...

Here's the link if someone else wants to try: (sorry, too tired to hyperlink)
 http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/18Y3hm/H6M2!bhI:jlWfZPAe/themindunleashed.org/2014/03/unusual-personality-test-will-reveal-much-perception-life.html

Musique

Does your heart flutter when you hear it? Do goosebumps run across your back, onto your neck and leave you shivering? Do fireworks explode inside your head as pure ambrosia trickles into your ears?
Turn the bass up, make my heart go boom. I like the music loud. I like feeling my heartbeat jump out of my chest and sync with the rhythm. You don't know why you're smiling but it feels amazing.
I always wonder how plain it must seem to someone who doesn't understand. Someone who doesn't have the pleasure of listening to these beautiful melodies.

Fading

She says I can't.
I say there's no stopping me now, thanks for the inspiration.
I glance up with a frown of concentration


I thought I was a tiny part in each of your lives. A fading background character that tries so terribly hard to hang on to the words on a page to make a difference in the story of someone else's book. I tried to pull myself up onto that ledge, to find a place on the center stage but the light shone too bright.
 I swung and tried to pull myself up to where everything begins; the rubble. I've never had the upper body strength or willingness to think that I could ever  really pull myself onto that ledge without help. It was a little too late to realize that there was solid ground just inches below. And before I knew it, I was falling. That's when the world went tumbling about, turning this way and that. Then it all caved in.
I woke up in emptiness; on pages so white that they could blind you. But for me it was pleasant to look at. Everything was empty and time seemed to hold its breath; waiting for  something to happen at almost any moment. But what?
Within my closed fist was an object. It pulled and tugged at my fingers trying to do whatever flying pens do of  course. It skid across the pages writing tales of lies and deception, mistakes and fakes, bravery and cowardice. It made no sense to me but I knew it was mine. For once, I had my place at center stage with the lights shining on me. This is my life, my world. My book.

C++

I'm like an object-oriented program.
Did you know that C++ is just C with classes. So you're C and I'm C++. I have class.

My life isn't an etch-a-sketch to practice your meager drawing skills upon. I've got this thing called privacy and the only way you're getting access to my life is if you actually play any part in it; and a good one at that. I've no use for redundant code and garbage values, so don't try to sneak up on me with your folly. I can delete and replace you with a click of a button. Do you know what happens to errors? They're corrected and removed as soon as possible. The best part is I have my own compiler, these brilliant people that let me know when a mistake comes creeping into my program. 



Okay, I'm done. I can't do this. I have an exam tomorrow and I'm freaking out. If I continue this, I might  write about C++ like it's an actual person. Can't do with that now, can I?

Oh. I've got something to share. 
When I'm intensely studying mathematics, I kind of stress myself out about the problems I get wrong. So once or twice till now, I've solved problems in my sleep. I kid you not.

I solved a problem in fourier transforms in my sleep the other day. 

Coolest or weirdest thing ever? Please let me know.  Does this happen to anyone else?