Bow Your Head

I'll be walking in a crowd with my head bent for no sensible reason. Head held high when I'm all alone.
A fascination with the cold hard floor when I'm just too afraid to look at a face for a second too long. Too caught up in what everyone else thinks.
They can see right through me and my poorly built walls. With every glance I feel like I'm disintegrating. But that sounds like such a foolish thing to say because no one really cares. They won't even remember me the next minute, so why am I still thinking about it?
I'm still here aren't I? Why's everything an internal conflict with me?
I can't stop whining about my materialistic problems and running my mouth off to people who honestly couldn't care.
I'll take a moment to look at all of my 'serious' problems and exactly how irreparable they are.

Well, I have no excuses. I know almost all the solutions and I shouldn't be worrying about the rest because it's not the right time yet.
So what's holding me back? What 's forcing me to bow my head down like I have something to be ashamed of?

I'm not sure.
No.
That's a lie.
I know why.

It's because I know I'm not doing anything about my problems and it's humiliating. Even if they don't know, even if they never will. 

Weathered Pages

But it's so hard to explain how much these musty old pages mean to me. For the hands that held the book I now hold so tenderly belonged to those who have lived and died long before my time. You may think it's droll to hold onto these weathered books but there's a bit more that you do not know. For the impressions they have left across the pages hold untold stories that I wish I could hear. But I wonder if they would have been able to comprehend how such imperceptible marks could mean so much to me if someone had told them, so long ago. Would they have laughed at the absurd truth or worried about a time when they would cease to exist? These are the people I never had the honor of meeting for I have to settle for tracing the remnants of their legacy. They have walked this earth long before I, but what I share with them has now exceeded blood. I take the time to read the words, cherishing this connection I hold onto by a thread. For what I have is indescribable as I do not yet posses the ability to put these feelings into words. I hope for a day that my descendants may read these beautiful expressions and hold onto me as I hold onto them.

Of Francis Bacon

There are surely enough words in this plane to describe everything to utmost clarity. There must be! I just haven't found them yet. Devouring books seems absolutely wonderful but of course I have conditions. All my life, I've preferred fiction but I'm not sure it's getting me where I want to be. Francis Bacon had a hell of a lot to say about studies. Oh, the books to be devoured, the books to be tasted and those to be swallowed. But I think I've done a little too much devouring of the wrong things and have tasted a little too less of the right things. It's all so frustrating, this business of trying to grab at all this information. Who does Bacon think he is? Why should I listen to a man with such a comical surname? Should I put myself off as too simple of a person who is satisfied with admiring studies or am I on the verge of genius? Who is to say that maybe the socially acceptable standard of studies has changed. But the time spent wondering about such foolish things doesn't really help me much. So I prefer to look at the bright side of things like this. Rather than harboring hatred for a man who silently mocks me from between the letters on a paper, I chose to make silly jokes about Bacon and accept that he was only human. I have no doubt that if a man like him lived in this age, he would take it upon himself to make sure everyone knew exactly what was on his mind. Definitely a very annoying Facebook friend. But hey, who knows?
At the end of the day, I can sit back satisfied knowing that Francis Bacon wasn't amazing for every waking moment of his existence. Looking past all that's been taught in our classrooms, I now know that he was just like the rest of us. Foolish and struggling to live a good life. His death was somewhat absurd as well. While driving on a snowy day in London, he became inspired by the idea of using snow as a meat preservative. He purchased a chicken and while trying to stuff it, contracted a fatal case of pneumonia. It would have been more amusing if it was a pig though. I kid.
I've learned not to be intimidated by someone else's spotlight because we'll end up finding our place on center stage soon enough. 

When I Grow Up...

Imagine a small child in elementary school, with a bag filled with notebooks, crayons and bits of paper. They've just been asked to write about something very interesting. Almost every child has been asked this question and almost everyone has asked it. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" 

Oh, the endless possibilities. I wanted to be a librarian, teacher, artist, author, illustrator, veterinarian, gymnast, dancer, singer, actress or maybe a pianist. The list would go on for miles if I continued so let's stop at that. 

But I didn't want to talk about the past, I'd rather talk about the present. As you get older, people stop asking you what you want be when you grow up but instead what you want be, period. Well, you're all grown up aren't you?

No. I'm not. I may have grown tall and look old enough to make my own decisions. My birth certificate may shout to the world that I'm a major but I still have a lot of growing up to do. I still haven't found something to cling onto and hope for the best. I don't have a perfectly planned out future and I don't have my eyes set on something. 

I'm waiting for the day that I can stand straight and claim to be a perfectly capable young woman who knows what she wants to do in this world.

 Until then..

When I grow up, I want to be strong, independent, mature, capable, responsible, fearless, understanding, intelligent, successful, happy, witty and free. I want to grow into a better version of me.

Sophomore: College

I'm no longer a freshman. Tomorrow begins my life as a sophomore in college. Things are going to be just as screwed up or just as nice. 

I saw a movie: Drushyam, today and it was alright-ish. Now I'm watching Kung Fu Panda on the tele and trying to continue reading "The Scorch Trials" by James Dashner. Tomorrow will bring forth an interesting turn of events, because I've finally been reshuffled to IT-F1 from F2. I no longer have to be associated with "the worst section" in college. Thank God!

I'm prepared in no way for what will happen tomorrow. I don't have a single notebook or even a portion of my outfit picked out. I'll just wing it. Who cares? Bleh.
I hate having to get dressed up all nice and put on a show for other people at college. I don't care about the people around me and much less what they think about me. I have no one to impress, just need to improve myself first. The thought of having to get up and pick out something to wear sounds so exhausting. I think I've become too accustomed to my uniform. I'd rather just wear that everyday than go through this torture. Damn it, if I could, i'd just wear PJs and a top knot, all day, every day.

"Long hair, don't care" Pshhh, more like, "Mulan style's the way to go".

Anyway, I need to get some shut eye to stay awake in class so I shall be going now.

For future reference about how I feel before my first day of sophomore year:

I don't even care, I just want it to end. I just want to get all this information in my head and not deal with all the bullshit and drama around me. So much to do, so little time. I'm not screwing it all up again. I'm going to work my butt off. I don't care if they call me a nerd, I don't care if they call me a bookworm. I'll just repeat the advice my seventh grade social teacher gave me. 

"The people you call nerd/geek will end up being your boss" (or something like that)

HERE WE GO!!

Tick tock, tick tock. Time's started running and I'm not too far behind. I'll catch up with the rest of them and they won't see me coming. ;)

I've got a lot to do, here I come! 

In a Nutshell

I was a wee bit hyper today so I rushed onto my balcony and yelled "who goes there?!" in this weird medieval accent with the curtails of my shirt held up like a cape. You know like those scenes in movies before the killer/monster/something, comes out.

So..
A little kid on a pink bicycle with streamers on the handlebars rode past at the exact moment whilst ringing her bell.

I think this describes my life.

Unusual Personality Test: Perception of Life

One of the basic rules of this test is to write what you feel and what first comes to mind. It’s fine if you have the same answersto different questions. Do not read all at once! Read the questions one by one and do not rush. It will not be so interesting to see the next question if you are still writing the answerto the previous one. Well, if a pen and a piece of paper are in front of you, then let’s begin!

 **** The following are the questions, followed by my responses. The interpretation  of each is after the answer.****


1. You are peering into the sea, what do you feel? Focus only on your first impression. You can close your eyes to better feel it...

 I stand on warm, grainy sand that squeeze between my toes. When I look up, I see the waves lapping up against the shore. The sea is a cool blue. The light reflects onto it making it look like glass. I feel at unease with the sand at my feet, it's mildly irritating. But the water's too nice to worry about the sand. I want to run into the water and feel it rushing at me.

INTERPRETATION: Your attitude to life, emotions, sensations.

2. You are walking through the woods and look at the ground. Write down what you feel.

 I pass by small bushes and the forest floor is covered in leaves and sticks. The sun doesn't shine too bright because the trees form a barrier. Small rays of sunlight shine on certain areas; like spotlights. It's cool and the earth is damp. Goosebumps run down my spine. There's a fog in the distance that spreads slowly. I feel like I should be ready for something. Like I'm missing out on something very important. Not knowing is making me agitated. 

INTERPRETATION: The way you feel in your own family.

3. What do you feel when looking at flying seagulls? It's all right if in this case you make up a quick response.

I'm sort of disinterested really. But it makes me wonder if there's a waterbed of some sort nearby. I'm curious as to why they're here in the first place. As always, I want to fly. I'm excited at the idea of being able to fly.

INTERPRETATION: Your attitude towards women.

4. What about a herd of horses? Write the first thing that comes to mind, avoid thinking for too much time.

I feel like I'm free. The wind is whipping against me and my hair is flying about. I feel wild and absolutely free.

INTERPRETATION: Your attitude to men.

5.   You are in the desert, standing by the wall with a small hole, behind which you see the oasis. What are your actions? Don’t write just your thoughts and feelings, but focus on what you would do in this situation.

Is the hole an entrance to the other side of the wall. Is it on the floor or in the wall? If it's in the floor I'm too scared to crawl down it and  shiver at the thought of what lies in wait. If it's in the wall, I question whether the oasis is simply a mirage. Is it worth my effort to go through? The thought of water makes my mouth dry and I crawl through, unsure and desperate.

INTERPRETATION: Your basic life strategy and goal. The way you solve your problems.

6.  You are still in the desert, completely exhausted, and suddenly see a water jug. Once again, your actions are what matters in this question. Your answer may sound banal, but still write it down.

It might be a makeshift chamber pot and I don't want to die drinking that now. I tip the jug a little, but not to far, to spill a few drops into my palm to check if it's safe to drink. I lick my lips as my throat burns for water. I sip a little bit and gulp down a few more before I pick up on the taste, convincing myself it's all I have for now.

INTERPRETATION: How selective you are in sexual life. Choice of a partner.

7. You are lost in the woods in the evening and see a house with lights on. Write what you’re gonna do.

 I'm scared and I'm shivering. It's cold, too cold. I clench my hands together. This story isn't going to end well. I see the house and hope that there isn't a murder lying in wait for my entrance. I know it's better to canvas the house to get an idea about the occupant(s). I stay low and in the dark, trying to find my way around without attracting attention or being seen. I've seen too many movies like this, I don't want to die today. I decide I'll stay in the shadows and wait it out. I'll take lost in the woods over dying in a stranger's house any day. If some animal tries to kill me out here, then I'll run in. I lean back against a tree, keeping my eyes fixated on the house. 

INTERPRETATION: Your readiness for marriage.

8.  You’re in the fog. Once more, focus on actions and write down how you would behave. 

I'm afraid, tears well up in my eyes and I try to control my breathing; a failed attempt. Fear wells up inside me and I have a gut-feeling that something bad is going to happen. I'm reminded of driving down Pochantos Hill with the fog just above the tree tops. My ears pop and I'm frozen. I can't see anything. I look for some support. A tree stump, something to sit upon, anything. I frantically splay my arms around hoping to touch something solid. But still in fear of it being someone else, someone who might not be safe. 

INTERPRETATION: Your attitude to death.

                                         ------------------

I don't know precisely why but some of this made me kind of sad. Some of it is so true...

Here's the link if someone else wants to try: (sorry, too tired to hyperlink)
 http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/18Y3hm/H6M2!bhI:jlWfZPAe/themindunleashed.org/2014/03/unusual-personality-test-will-reveal-much-perception-life.html