The Last Day

It's been pretty long since I've written anything on here. But I can't postpone writing this post because it's not every day you have your last day of college. YES. You read right. I had my very last day of engineering today. The day that I've been waiting for since I was a freshman.

Firsts and Lasts are pretty important moments in our lives. The first day of college, the first exam,  the first seminar, the first bunk (Totally kidding. Way too many to remember which one was the first) and the first job interview. And the last class, the last exam, the last time eating in the canteen, the last time running after professors,  and the last day of college.

I don't have anything too sentimental to say right now. Let's be honest. College wasn't amazing. Lots of things made me count down the days until I could leave the place. But that's not really important, is it? All that matters is how you choose to finish it. And let me tell you, we went out with a bang!
The day started off with the project Viva and it went as every viva has gone before. All of us waiting for the first groups to give us the report on the external examiner and classify him as either devil incarnate or 'phew liteee'. Getting the signatures on our custom-made t-shirts was, as expected, a never-ending process. My favorite moments where when someone would hand their t-shirt to someone to sign and they would ask their friends what on earth to write. That low-key panic was hilarious.
I wasn't 'flat out BFFs' with anyone but I'm glad it ended on good terms with everyone.

The memories we made today are the moments we'll remember decades from now. Thank you for being altogether tolerable classmates. I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to know some of you. But just because college is over doesn't mean we have to forget everyone. Keep in touch. Even if you feel like you didn't know me that well! I'd love to know what you all end up doing and how you are in the years to come. I hope we have a reunion someday and at least one of you is rich and famous. xD

Some day we'll be old and tired of things we can't even imagine yet. But we'll have our t-shirts to remember that we were cool once upon a time (Because let's be honest, I don't see any of you as cool oldies... Kidding!... We'll see.)

To those leaving for Masters: Well, looks like you can't really give up this education thing. I get it, you love exams. You get to graduate twice so, I guess that's a win. Good luck with your new journey! If you're part of the 'Shit, I have to leave home and live all by myself' squad, I wish you the very best! Stay safe and have fun.

To those who are going to work: Looks like we're in the same boat. We'll definitely be comparing our workplaces soon. The lecturers/ Viva examiners will be replaced by managers and bosses. The marks with literal-actual-money(!). At least we don't have to wear uniforms anymore.

To everyone else: If you're preparing for other entrance exams: Hope you do well! If you are so done with this IT field: I'm sure you'll be great at whatever it is that you want to do.  To those who aren't sure: Follow your dreams and do what you love! (Great advice, I know)


It seems like ages ago that we sat in class and were actually students. We've all grown up and are about to enter into the real world. I guess we'll all find out what being engineers really means. This ought to be interesting.


I hope I'll see you guys at our convocation ceremony!


P.S.- If I wrote basic shit like 'Have a Great Life' or just signed my name on your t-shirt, let me just say: You're all awesome and today was the absolute best! I'm happy we were all together for the last day of our senior year!

Also, this will be super awkward if there's some bizarre exam we all casually forgot about and end up going back to college.

Sorry for the mess of a post this is. I'm still in the 'what-the-heck-is-actually-happening-right-now' stage.

Where Are My Words?

Words word words.
Words on paper. Words in my mind.
Tears in my eyes, salt on my cheeks. Same thing?
Fear of the future. Fear of impending doom.
Fear of never being good enough to do any good.

Everyone Most people think I can write well. But the backspace on my keyboard knows better. Every syllable spit out gets chewed back up and tossed in the bin.
I thought I had a lot to say. I was sure that Harry Styles' new song would definitely be enough to get the creative juices flowing. You don't need to cringe and roll your eyes at that name. He's just someone that used to be in a boy band. [It's not like you would scoff at Justin Timberlake, right? He was in a boy band too. Anyway, that's beside the point. Let me get back on track. But before I do. This song is incredible. I didn't even know it was his song until a couple of minutes ago.]


It's been so long that I let myself write that I've forgotten how to. What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? The words are slipping between my fingers. This is terrifying. The words are all I have. They were my advantage. They were my assurance that I could do something moderately well in this world. What now? All I'm left with are questions and fears.


Do you know that saying? Jack of all trades, master of none. That kind of makes me sad because I'm neither of those things. Everything I've ever started my life, I haven't completed. Everything I've done sounds like a story that I've made up. My life is an  infinite 'I used to'.
I used to play the piano. I used to play volleyball. I used to play the bells. I used to play the flute. I used to play tennis. I used to play lacrosse. I used to sew. I used to dance. I used to write.

Once upon a time, I did try. I looked forward to school. I loved learning. In middle school, I would do my homework as soon as I came home and go for a bicycle ride afterwards and then TV/ internet, before bed. I strictly enforced 'first work, then play'. Now all I do is play. I can't even do that right because I'll be thinking about the absence of work preceding and succeeding the play.
All hours of every day, I'm a silent sulking mess who's disappointed in myself for not doing anything but too lazy to do anything about it.

How do people pick one moment to be absolutely inspired and change their entire life? These inspiring tales and To-do lists are so short-lived.
1. Clean your room.
2. Exercise
3. Eat healthier
4. Study for that exam
5. Learn something new
6. Write hundreds of lists about doing things but never do any of them and hate yourself. Resolve to change TODAY, RIGHT NOW, There's no looking back. You can do this.

..........
1. Do something. Please.





What's the permanent solution to not take life for granted and stop being useless?

Irrelevant

Have you ever noticed my URL?

'absolutely average teenager'.
I thought it was a good description of my self. I thought of it when I started this blog in 2013. I was a teenager and I thought I was an average human being.

Well, I'm not a teenager anymore. So that URL is pretty irrelevant. It's actually a year too false. Which I think is bizarre.
I turn 21 this year. WHAT?!

I always say this, "I'll finally be the age to legally be able to do all the things I don't want to do anyway."

*Except vote. I still like being able to vote. 

This is also the year I graduate from college. Wow. I'm finally here. After all these years, I'll finally be done with this level of education. I don't really feel that old. I still feel like a teenager. 

Since we're at it, I'll just give you some life updates. I'm taking driving lessons again (for real this time), I've finally started listening to audiobooks, I wrote a book review after a long time......I've painted my nails orange.

Clearly, I don't have any life updates. xD

I'm done. Bye.

-V

What Next?

I've been wanting write this post for a while now. But I just haven't got around to it. Until now.

I saw this Telugu movie a week back called 'Nenu Local'. There was this one song that starts playing after the MC announces that he's finally passed his bachelor's course and everyone starts asking 'What next?'. He's upset because, nowadays, instead of congratulating people on graduating, they start asking what they plan to do next.
I found this absolutely hilarious because I've faced a variation of this for the last year or so.

So it's common knowledge that I moved from the U.S.A an odd 6 years ago. I'm almost done with my Bachelors and am hoping to start working sometime at the end of this year. 
People have been shocked at this. 'Why would you not want to go back to America?'
'You don't want to do M.S. in U.S.?'  

I'd decided; with the help of my family, that going for further studies right now isn't the right thing for ME. I want to work for a while and get an understanding of the IT industry, get some hands-on experience, experience the work environment, learn new things, etc. 
When I explained this to people about 2 years ago, they'd still think it was strange that I wasn't leaving to the U.S. 
As we got into our final year of B.Tech, more people started understanding what I meant. They thought it made sense.
I'd say that after a year or so of working, maybe I'd go do my Masters then. People were very accepting of this plan. 

That's alright up to there.
But the thing is, do you really know what you'll be doing 3 years from now. Can you tell me for sure that is definitely where you're going to be and that is precisely what you'll be doing ? 
If not for some bizarre situation where every single thing in your life happens exactly the way you think it well, I'm pretty sure that you can't even imagine what will happen. 

Life is sometimes unpredictable. So don't be so be caught up in the future and rigidly fix yourself to things. 
I hope this is coming across the way I mean it.
I'm not saying goals are stupid. Ambitions and hopes are awesome! Always have a plan. But don't assume that the plan will always go through perfectly, without a hitch. 

I like to let life take me on my great adventure. I'm not going to sit here and say, I'll only work for 365 days and afterwards I'll be off to do this and that. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. And I'm perfectly fine with that. 
I'm willing to just be caught in the current and see what happens. 

So I say, I'll probably work for a while and then do my masters afterwards. 'Probably?'
Yes, probably. Who know what'll happen? Maybe I'll write a novel. Maybe I'll tour the world. Maybe I'll be a blogger. Hahahha. Maybe I don't know and I don't mind. 


Someone will probably ask me "What next?". I will smile and say the same thing I always say. I hope they understand that everything isn't in stone.
I mean, just imagine how funny it'd be if they turned up years later, saying. "I thought you said you'd work 365 days. But you worked for 370 days."
[Not literally so foolishly, but you get the gist.]

The AC/DC Phase

Hello!

It's been quite a while since I've been on here.

Who would have thought I'd have my AC/DC phase after my teenage years?!

I've loved the Supernatural soundtrack since I started watching it in high school. A week back, I started watching it again so I just decided to find the entire soundtrack. Hard rock, heavy metal, blues rock, etc. weren't genres I listened to too often, back then . One of my friends back in high school loved everything metal. I was more into pop, pop rock, EDM, etc.
Nowadays, I'm not really feeling any of the music I've been listening to. I wanted something with sick beats and lyrics.  AC/DC is perfect for me right now. Highway to Hell and Back in Black are songs that I'm familiar with but I don't think I've appreciated them before now.

On another note, I still love Supernatural. I missed Sam and Dean killing things.

ALSOOO, I've just realized that my willingness to write a post today was because I finally started studying after a month (or so) and my default setting is to procrastinate.
Well, then next time I want to get to writing, I'll just do something I'll definitely procrastinate on.

Byeeeee!


-V

These Words

I've never felt that these words were mine.
People plague my mind.
Past, present, future. They all keep me up at night.
Two sides of this figurative coin-
I need balance.
Yearning for meaningful conversations is trapped in my chest.
There are some things better left unsaid.
This conversation will never happen.

The night does things to my mind that daylight never could.
Sometimes you won't be able to see into the crevices of your mind.
The night brings awake the words in my head and gives me the courage to put them on paper.

The shadowed dancer in a dark room. The conflicted woman typing away on her phone in the dark.
One and the same.

The words are muddled as always. But revisions always bleed the thoughts out of their rawness. So I'll leave it be.

Now the words don't seem like anyone's.

On My Mind

Tuck that strand behind my ear. Oh no, pull it back out. Cover the cheekbones. Turn this way, the left is your good side. Smile. Oh! But not with your teeth. Never with the teeth.

"Why do you smile? It's not like you have a nice smile. You have a bad smile. you should stop."

Sit straight. Don't slump. Oh, keep your backbone straight. Tuck that fly away hair. Don't crinkle your eyes, it's strange. Oh no, you laughed too hard. Sit perfectly still and cringe. Glance at your phone. That was so funny! Oh no, you're laughing with your teeth. Close your mouth! 

Sit straighter, this dress pulls tightly at the tummy!

"Oh. You got fat again. You should lose weight."

Oh nobody cares. Just be yourself. But not too much! That was really funny. You made eye contact and smiled. That was so weird. They probably don't even know you heard them. Turn around!

Oh the teacher wants you to read something out for the class. Oh no. Try to dilute the accent. Don't be too loud. Speak slowly! Ok you're done. Sit down quickly and put your head down.

"American girl. You have such a weird accent. What are you even saying? How long did you live there again?"

There's so much to do. So much to learn. These people are all so talented. They're amazing. What does that mean? What would an interview be like? Oh! Write that down. You should look it up later. What will you do with your life? Oh dear.

"Oh, you are so lucky! Your future is clear. You have it so easy."

STOP. I got a little sidetracked towards the end there so I'll stop here. I want to talk to you guys about a couple of things.

1. You don't know everything there is to know about everyone. We see what we see. Before you pass judgement, try to think about it for a couple more seconds. I don't care if that if the person got fatter or slimmer. I don't care if the bauble on their flats doesn't go with their outfit. I don't care if they wore bright colors. I don't care if they wore a eskimo suit when it's sweltering.
YOU DON'T KNOW. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON IN THEIR LIVES. Why do we notice so many irrelevant details? What does it matter if they wore yellow jeans? They can wear the frickin' rainbow if they want to.

2. Also, words are powerful tools. Don't use your words to hurt people. You can either do good or bad in this life. Choose your way. I promise you, making that person smile will make you feel so much better than knowing you're the reason their smile disappeared.

3. The grass is always greener on the other side isn't it?
When you see someone and think, 'Damn! Their life is perfect', I can tell you that 99% of the time, it isn't so. Everyone has a different puzzle. To someone outside the game, it looks so easy but you're not the player! Stop being so caught up in other people's lives and solve your own puzzle.
That girl has porcelain skin and that guy has the best scores. That girl can solve almost any problem and he has a rich vocabulary.
There's probably someone out there thinking about you like this.