Friday, June 1, 2018

Summer Rain

Today, after a couple of months, I went for a walk on the terrace. I spent about 40 minutes up there. For the last ten minutes, it was raining. Each raindrop felt like a person prodding me up and pushing me forward. Each drop felt like the moment you burn yourself but the pain hasn't gotten to you yet. A million flame-like prods that almost feel like fire.

A long time ago, I would have felt the urge to cry there, standing underneath these rain clouds. Right now, I'm a million miles away from that girl. I DO feel like I've been knocked down and I DO want to cry. But I won't.
I know that I'll get back up and I'll fight harder for myself. These little downer moments are scattered across my life like the raindrops on my skin. It seems like they're engulfing me. But only a few seconds back home and I realize they've already evaporated. Disappeared with no trace. I'm dry and safe.

Do you know where I'm sitting right now?
Well, the time is 10:56. Not exactly midnight rambling schedule of the past since we all become adults at some point. But I think an hour off is alright.

I'm sitting on a piece of sofa that is stranded on one end of the living room. It's put up against the windows by the main entrance. From where I'm sitting, on the left I can see the edges of the pooja mandir. The light casts shadows across the floor and on the walls. To my right, I see my water bottle, filled enough to keep me going in this summer heat. The windows are curtain-bare and I assume somewhere out there, there's a person sleeping on their terrace.
In front of me, the floor-length curtains sway from the fan breeze. It makes the room seem large and gives off the vibe of an old thriller movie; if I focus my eyes on only the ceiling portion.

An hour ago, I had this urge in my chest. That all too familiar urge where I need to get something out. I feel like a tiny pebble is stuck inside and my throat is closing up. ( Takes a sip of water because I'm taking my words too literally).
When I feel like that, I put my headphones on and listen to music while strolling on the terrace. For a long time now, I haven't gone for a walk like that. It's because I haven't felt that sad and also because I swallow that pebble and move on. I had a little trouble moving on today.
It felt like a moment where I had to grab my laptop and sit on the kitchen counter to write about my woes. I've settled for the sofa (would this piece be called a settee?).

 It is very hot in here.

-- I turned the fan off because I thought I heard Mom getting up. I'd rather not her see me sitting in the dark and typing away on the keyboard. It's not that I'm doing anything wrong. I just don't think she would understand why I do this. --

So back to the rain. I stood there today, being bombarded by these tiny water-bullets and I somehow felt happy. The rain didn't make me want to cry. It made me want to get back up and work harder. It made me want to strengthen my resolve. I can do this. I WILL do this.

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